Kaizen

Now when I got this word tattooed on me a few years back, I know now that I only knew it superficially. "Incremental improvement" seems pretty simple. But it's a series of rabbit holes, Alice. And you always want to be sure to fall down the right ones. It's odd that I type this blog as I sit in the nail shop because it is not at all about physical improvement. The hardest thing to admit, I think, is the fact that you're pretty messed up inside. But it's even harder to get to the business of cleaning up.

I mentioned in my previous blog that I got a new job. I might have also mentioned that the joy over the job does not entirely come from the fact that I am being paid more but from the fact that I get to go to a rewarding job and be human while I do it. I leave each day feeling like I have helped someone. The new job is the end result but I'm not sure I ever told you the most important things that led to it. Being a person who shoots straight from the hip, you can only imagine the honesty of the people I surround myself with. So many of the people I love told me that at my old job, there were pieces of the TK they loved that just weren't there anymore. The suggestion box filled up in those conversations but the talk that sent it brimming was one with my mother. After a particularly trying day, I visited her and she looked at me and said, "You just don't have a spirit anymore. It's like it's all gone". I was done and I knew I had to do better. So I did.

I'm not sure how many people reading either know or care. But I just recently sealed the lid on what was a constant struggle for the man I loved and still love more than any man I have ever been with. Because he is private to the utmost, he would be angry if he read this post. But it's mine, so I'm not really all that concerned. But as much as I love him, I am smart enough to know that if you love and someone and they profess theirs in return A) there should be no problem with the world knowing and B) neither of them should be made to feel like they have to compete for love from the other. After five years of that, I decided I had to love myself more. Now he is still one of the greatest people on earth and one of my very best friends. There were no false pretenses and that might be one thing that made me love him. But the dynamics weren't working in the end. And a part of my incremental improvement was being strong enough to let go. I really don't know that I will ever love or be loved again (or to refer to a previous blog, "put on a new pair of shoes") but I am thankful for the learning experience.

I am also going to have to forgive the ones who have hurt me. That's a jagged little pill for me because we're talking mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, financially, consciously and subconsciously. And being frank and there being lack of better words for it, I have dealt with some pretty messed us shit. It is going to be difficult to do but I have to keep the wisdom and weed the deeds, so to speak. I don't plan to completely rid myself of all defense mechanisms because I honestly think that's what messed me up in the first place. But I suppose I should use them in moderation.

There is so much to do. If I am ever to be loved again, I have some wounds to nurse. If my magazine, the driving force, is ever going to manifest itself, I have some corners to sweep in my mind. And if I am to love others as I should, I need to deep clean this old heart of mine. I know this isn't going to be easy and it won't happen quickly. But the reason I got it etched into my skin in the first place was because I was sure it was a commitment I would be fulfilling for the rest of my life. Thank you God for the courage to get started.

JUSTICE

Be The Blessing

Most of us pray to God and ask Him to give them things. But you have to ask yourself each day "Have I been the blessing I want to see?" I am never one to preach on things but I do have to say this. Anyone who knows me knows that I just left a job at an OUTSTANDING company but my division was rotting from the inside out. There was too much interoffice drama for things to function properly and I got tired of wondering whether or not I would be brought up on some disciplinary action because of who I befriended or the fact that I didn't "open myself up enough". So, I like so many others in this economy, started praying hard and searching for other options. I had several job interviews and I would be lying if I said I didn't get a little discouraged not to get callbacks on some. I had to say, "Okay Lord. I know it's time to back up and change my approach. I have been going for the big names because simply working at those companies would make me distinguished. Maybe I need to reel it in and look a little smaller". It's funny but it was one of the very people I had been reprimanded for befriending who led me to my answer. Not only did I find a new job quickly, but I found a job that allows me to bless others. Yes, my building is smaller and there are no high, glass windows and there aren't billions in assets under management. But we are in the business of helping people find work in these hellish economic conditions. I now get to look into the eyes of that person who has been laid off and say "I found something for you and you get to take home a paycheck next week". Not only that, I also get the pleasure of saying "You aren't a temp anymore. You are now a full fledged employee." I am in a place where I not only have a title but I know the person down the hall, even though he is my manager, respects me and values me as a vital part of the organization. I figured out where I went wrong. It was in asking God to give me a new great job instead of asking him to put me in a place where I could be a blessing to others at the same time as allowing Him to bless me. I have breathed and rested easier in the last few weeks than I have in the last couple of years. My job is fast-paced and there is much to learn to do it effectively but my heart and mind are now at peace with what I do. I have always been a person who liked helping others and I thank God for placing me where I can do that. I also thank Him for placing me amongst good people who truly care about others. My mind has been calm enough to write and focus a little more on my magazine (which I plan to use as a medium to get those who need to be known known)and I get off an hour earlier than I used to (never saw a point at my old job because I was mentally exhausted afterward anyway). So I say to anyone who just so happens to read this, please be the blessing you want to see. Hallelujah and it is so.

JUSTICE