Kaizen

Now when I got this word tattooed on me a few years back, I know now that I only knew it superficially. "Incremental improvement" seems pretty simple. But it's a series of rabbit holes, Alice. And you always want to be sure to fall down the right ones. It's odd that I type this blog as I sit in the nail shop because it is not at all about physical improvement. The hardest thing to admit, I think, is the fact that you're pretty messed up inside. But it's even harder to get to the business of cleaning up.

I mentioned in my previous blog that I got a new job. I might have also mentioned that the joy over the job does not entirely come from the fact that I am being paid more but from the fact that I get to go to a rewarding job and be human while I do it. I leave each day feeling like I have helped someone. The new job is the end result but I'm not sure I ever told you the most important things that led to it. Being a person who shoots straight from the hip, you can only imagine the honesty of the people I surround myself with. So many of the people I love told me that at my old job, there were pieces of the TK they loved that just weren't there anymore. The suggestion box filled up in those conversations but the talk that sent it brimming was one with my mother. After a particularly trying day, I visited her and she looked at me and said, "You just don't have a spirit anymore. It's like it's all gone". I was done and I knew I had to do better. So I did.

I'm not sure how many people reading either know or care. But I just recently sealed the lid on what was a constant struggle for the man I loved and still love more than any man I have ever been with. Because he is private to the utmost, he would be angry if he read this post. But it's mine, so I'm not really all that concerned. But as much as I love him, I am smart enough to know that if you love and someone and they profess theirs in return A) there should be no problem with the world knowing and B) neither of them should be made to feel like they have to compete for love from the other. After five years of that, I decided I had to love myself more. Now he is still one of the greatest people on earth and one of my very best friends. There were no false pretenses and that might be one thing that made me love him. But the dynamics weren't working in the end. And a part of my incremental improvement was being strong enough to let go. I really don't know that I will ever love or be loved again (or to refer to a previous blog, "put on a new pair of shoes") but I am thankful for the learning experience.

I am also going to have to forgive the ones who have hurt me. That's a jagged little pill for me because we're talking mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, financially, consciously and subconsciously. And being frank and there being lack of better words for it, I have dealt with some pretty messed us shit. It is going to be difficult to do but I have to keep the wisdom and weed the deeds, so to speak. I don't plan to completely rid myself of all defense mechanisms because I honestly think that's what messed me up in the first place. But I suppose I should use them in moderation.

There is so much to do. If I am ever to be loved again, I have some wounds to nurse. If my magazine, the driving force, is ever going to manifest itself, I have some corners to sweep in my mind. And if I am to love others as I should, I need to deep clean this old heart of mine. I know this isn't going to be easy and it won't happen quickly. But the reason I got it etched into my skin in the first place was because I was sure it was a commitment I would be fulfilling for the rest of my life. Thank you God for the courage to get started.

JUSTICE