Empty

Perhaps the grandest rejection in life is rejection of self. But what about when you feel as though you must reject yourself in order to catch a passing glimpse of happiness in life? It's tough when you feel like being the serial monogamist is the worst curse that could have ever been bestowed. Because you remain shortchanged, you start to tell yourself that maybe it's a good idea to give freer of your body than your heart and fuck everything that moves. In that deal, at least your body will find some satisfaction. You try to put that playa cap on and tilt it to the side. But it just don't fit right. You slap your hand until it bleeds so that your finger doesn't itch for a wedding band that will probably never take its rightful place. You cry tears of sorrow for your empty womb and what could have possibly been. You try and congratulate yourself when you look around at your empty house filled with all of your most prized possessions. You try and say "This is all mine. All by myself" but your lips form "This is mine and I AM all by myself". You smile at everyone else's weddings and you try and pretend that all you will ever need is a warm, hard body next to you and money in the bank to make your life complete. You want to say you will find all of your joy in family and give to them like you never have before. You ignore the "You're next. When are you going to bring somebody home" script that flies out of everyone's mouth all the time. You pretend your weight gain has nothing to do with the fact that you eat when you're depressed and you never get your fill because all you hunger for is love. You pretend you aren't the one who needs to feel occasional hugs from your mother's arms and hear someone, even if it's a family member, tell you how beautiful you are instead of how fat for a change. You have to try and wear the robe of I-Don't-Care-What-Anybody-Thinks. But the truth is, that thing is old and it stinks. You turn on the tv and you see people in love, fulfilling their dreams with big smiles on their faces and you know with them is where you belong. But when you turn off the tv, you look around and all you are left with is your empty house, your empty ring finger, your empty bed, your empty potato chip bag, your empty pockets, your empty womb and your empty heart. Then you try to live this stranger's life you've been assigned as though you are okay with not having those happy things but that there is no circumstance in this stranger's life that doesn't tell you you won't have them all someday soon. You try to be hopeful and a ray of sunshine to all the other strangers around you. You try. But that never works.

~Justice