Adventures of Club Night

So my little sister graduated college on Friday May 7, 2010 (again, congrats Booski). We had her a party with family and it was really a nice affair. But with she and I both being young and her friends being in town, naturally we wanted to get out and have a little fun afterward. But instead what we found were a few things that made us quite sad. We went to a club in our hometown and we honestly did expect to find a trace of a good time. When we walked in, we saw a few people we went to high school with. Keep in mind that I am five years older than she but the same people who went to high school with me know EVERYBODY at the club just like the ones who went to high school with her. So what this tells us, Mr. Party Animal,is that you come to this same spot every weekend. Then the dudes proceed to stand in a circle and sing the words to every song that comes on as they hug each other and throw up gang signs. Mr. Party Animal, how are you gangsta when you are hugging and singing to your homeboy? That is also not to mention, Mr. Party Animal that you are struggling to hold your pants up as you do it. Pants down. Check. Serenading a dude. Check. Hugging a dude. Check. Tongue down dude's throat..........You get the picture.

Then came Ms. Club Vixen. I am not sure when it became cool to to wear a top that is so tight and low cut that it cuts your nipple in half and makes the top and the visible portion of said nipple bulge and fall over the top. If the DJ says "One of them titties is gone fall out. And I'm gone catch it too"' you shouldn't smile, high five your homegirl and dance harder. Ms. Club Vixen, that is not what's hot in the streets. Then Ms. Club Vixen, why do you wear dresses so short and tight that you have to hold it down to dance? And Ms. Club Vixen, if you know you have no rhythm, then you should just barely move like the rest of the Rhythmless Nation. The Stanky Leg is not for you and it is not a great idea to grind on a wall next to the DJ's booth because he will see you and call you out for getting sexy on yourself with no rhythm. Oh and by the way, your shirt is so tight I can see your belly button.......and the bottom of your belly. And Ms. Club Vixen, it is not cool to throw your legs up on a random stranger and show your girl all of Vicki's Secret just because you want men to notice your sexy. Don't do that, Ms. Club Vixen.

Then we walked outside. There we met Mr. Boy Scout (I have NO idea why this dude could still wear his Boy Scout vest or why he brought it to the club to show his friends), Miss New Booty (I say BRAND new because I ain't never seen nothin' like this before) whose booty was lumpy, bulging and pouring out of her shorts from the back AND the sides and Lady Drunk Slut. Now I call this last one "Lady" in a very joking manner. If you are so wasted that your legs look like the Scarecrow's in The Wizard of Oz (or The Wiz; Do what ya' like) and your man has to pick you up and sling you over his shoulder just to get you to the car which is right across the street, you have had too much. Just a ways down the sidewalk, there was Lady Drunk Slut's next of kin, Intoxicated Ho. I mean, passed out on the bench next to your friend who is just as unconscious and only wearing her bra and jeans? There are two dudes next to you "checking on you" but their faces say one thing- "Smaaaaaaaaaash!" And please believe they will.

Now you all know me. I am way to inquisitive for my own good. I got around to asking a few of them where they were from. I was proud to learn that only two of the eight I "interviewed" were from my state. We met a lot of subjects along our case study club night and it did two things. The first was that it made us both glad we grew up and then it answered the age-old question of "Wheredeydodatat?"